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microbe
Plaza Pioneer
Age: 59
Joined: 14 Sep 2005
Posts: 3456
Location: uk
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_________________
 
"When the people fear their government, there is tyranny; when the government fears the people, there is liberty."
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microbe
Plaza Pioneer
Age: 59
Joined: 14 Sep 2005
Posts: 3456
Location: uk
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A mother and daughter were riding in a cab though New York City daughter noticed some scantily clad women loitering on a street "Mommy," the little girl asked, "what are all those ladies doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to come home from work." the mother answered.
"C'mon lady, they're hookers!" retorted the cab driver.
After a stunned silence, the daughter asked, "Mommy, do hookers have children?"
"Of course," the mother replied, "where do you think cabbies come from?"
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_________________
"When the people fear their government, there is tyranny; when the government fears the people, there is liberty."
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microbe
Plaza Pioneer
Age: 59
Joined: 14 Sep 2005
Posts: 3456
Location: uk
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THE PERFECT BAR
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_________________
"When the people fear their government, there is tyranny; when the government fears the people, there is liberty."
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keyshalovesya
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There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure devise. She gets completely upset.
"You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I’ll explain the toy if you explain the kids."
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After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.
"That’s a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
"Thats still quite a bit," Tom groused.
Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.
Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I’d like to see something real cheap.
" So the clerk handed him a mirror.
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Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack’s mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed," she explained. "I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don’t worry," Jack said. "We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob’s face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
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ggwoman
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1) Melanie Griffith
There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart.
2) Anonymous
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
4) Woody Allen
The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.
5) Freud
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What... does a woman want?"
6) Samuel Johnson
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
7) Woody Allen
To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down.
8) Agatha Christie
An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
9) Albert Einstein
Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.
10) Melanie Clark
You can't put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories.
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microbe
Plaza Pioneer
Age: 59
Joined: 14 Sep 2005
Posts: 3456
Location: uk
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_________________
"When the people fear their government, there is tyranny; when the government fears the people, there is liberty."
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microbe
Plaza Pioneer
Age: 59
Joined: 14 Sep 2005
Posts: 3456
Location: uk
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| A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" asks the boy. "Yes," said the father, "you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but still reliable. After his fifties, it is like an old Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
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_________________
"When the people fear their government, there is tyranny; when the government fears the people, there is liberty."
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microbe
Plaza Pioneer
Age: 59
Joined: 14 Sep 2005
Posts: 3456
Location: uk
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Bush In Hell
One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.
In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No, George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
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_________________
"When the people fear their government, there is tyranny; when the government fears the people, there is liberty."
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microbe
Plaza Pioneer
Age: 59
Joined: 14 Sep 2005
Posts: 3456
Location: uk
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_________________
"When the people fear their government, there is tyranny; when the government fears the people, there is liberty."
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microbe
Plaza Pioneer
Age: 59
Joined: 14 Sep 2005
Posts: 3456
Location: uk
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_________________
"When the people fear their government, there is tyranny; when the government fears the people, there is liberty."
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scarlet
Plaza Pioneer
Joined: 14 Sep 2005
Posts: 3233
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| microbe wrote:
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http://www.poetv.com/video.php?vid=1413
Press "Play"
Someone has gone to a lot of bother making this. Still its kind of amusing!!! 
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Microbe this was excellent, my son loved it.....it's one of his favourite shows.
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scarlet
Plaza Pioneer
Joined: 14 Sep 2005
Posts: 3233
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| microbe wrote:
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http://www.poetv.com/video.php?vid=1391
This cat is saying "Help me!" but no-one can understand! 
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LOL Help me indeed, my budgie could speak better than that cat. 
It's like the 'sausages' dog on That's Life...does anyone remember that?
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microbe
Plaza Pioneer
Age: 59
Joined: 14 Sep 2005
Posts: 3456
Location: uk
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Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?". The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".
St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen,how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Brian
"Well just relax and let it happen"
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed"
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_________________
"When the people fear their government, there is tyranny; when the government fears the people, there is liberty."
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scarlet
Plaza Pioneer
Joined: 14 Sep 2005
Posts: 3233
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| LOL Microbe I saw the one on IH today and laughed my head off, it's so damn funny....
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_________________
"What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.”
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ggwoman
Guest
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I am called a Princess
A British Airway's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay
flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he
served them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and
announced to the passengers: "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather
exotic
looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines." he said, "I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can putty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up
bitch."
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